


tether

by onthighsbelongtotaemin



Series: group [6]
Category: SHINee
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Romance, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-07 22:14:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8818165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onthighsbelongtotaemin/pseuds/onthighsbelongtotaemin
Summary: jinki’s like a kite fluttering in the wind & if taemin can just keep him tethered to himself he won’t be lost.





	

jinki shows up in the dark of night, his eyes shining, words spilling from his mouth as he says everything & nothing, his body constantly in motion. he holds taemin’s hand & grins & tells him how he wants to dance on the roof, or drive across the state to see what the reflection of the moon looks like over the ocean.  he pulls him up, toward the door, because he wants to go now & he doesn’t know that it’s the middle of the night in the middle of the week.  he’s forgotten to care.  

sometimes taemin’s glad to see this side of jinki, the one that’s exhilarating & spontaneous & so, so alive.  he can almost see the glitter sparkling in jinki’s mind.  he’s like a kite fluttering in the wind & if taemin can just keep him tethered to himself he won’t be lost.  his enthusiasm is contagious & taemin begins to see his own balanced world unravel, filling with sparkling colors & vibrating with emotions he never knew, the rare moments he’s tempted to believe this is a gift jinki has been blessed with, that this is the truth. his own judgment clouds every time jinki’s gaze shifts, his shining eyes turning darks & his hand squeezing his own is so, so soft.  everything binding them from the other slip away, a sprinkling of fabric & shoes across the floor as they wrap themselves in each other, lost to the demands of jinki’s mind.

but the temptation, though strong, is fleeting.  these moments come with a price & it is one taemin is not willing to pay.  

the first time he knew, truly knew that there was something more than youthful enthusiasm, or a quirky sense of humor inspiring his boyfriend’s adventurous spirit was when jinki decided to learn italian, staying up night after night, reading everything he could about italy.  by the fifth night he had begun to believe that he was the reincarnation of st. francis of assissi, & on the eighth taemin found him sitting on the campus lawn ministering to the squirrels.

that was the first time he found himself in a hospital room, spine aching from the stiff plastic chair he spent most of the night in, jinki sedated, suddenly void of the vibrancy & life exuding from him mere hours ago. the first time he heard the word “mania” & had a face & a soul to apply to it.

the second time was the same but the cause was different: the glitter in jinki’s mind had turned to ash & a thousand seconds had been the difference between taemin listening to the steady beep of a heart monitor in a cold hospital room & planning a funeral for the man he loves.

tonight, taemin watches jinki from his perch in another stiff plastic chair, the ivs in his boyfriend’s arm no longer a surprise but upsetting all the same.  he had been fine a few days ago.  well, no, taemin thinks with guilt, of course he hadn’t been.  he knew the signs & they were all there, but it’s intoxicating when jinki’s elevated & sometimes it’s good, exciting even.  but it lasted too long, he went too high & there’s nowhere to go when you hit the top but back down.

he just hadn’t anticipated that he would plummet.

he holds the hand not attached to a needle loosely in his own & rubs his rosary ring, praying that jinki will forgive him for letting him soar too far.

& of course he does, of course he will.  because in as much as taemin loves jinki jinki loves him too.  & when the fog lifts his heart will break because it will reveal taemin staring at him with fear & sorrow in his eyes. taemin’s not enough but he’s a start & jinki thinks of him as he works steadily through a list of medications to find one that won’t make him too sick or too tired to stand, the one that will do for his mind what his glasses do for his eyes & he’ll smile at taemin because maybe now he can stay.

they don’t know that in three years they will be living together & still in love, each only a little nervous when jinki gets happy or sad. they don’t know that jinki will be a counselor & he will save lives because he knows what it’s like to want to live too hard, to not want to live at all.  they don’t know that this is the last time taemin will sit in a plastic chair because of it.

they don’t know this tonight.  tonight jinki sleeps & taemin watches, tethering the other to himself, knowing he’s not strong enough to pull jinki back on his own but hoping that one day he might be.


End file.
